Friday, April 20, 2007

The Presidential Candidates of Comedy

(Image by Digi^3)


Yesterday, John McCain spoke to members of a VFW Hall in Murrells Inlet, South Carolina. Being a veteran and POW, this seems like a good audience for McCain, basically his “base,” so the speech wasn’t surprising. But who knew he was going to break out his stand-up routine. Another candidate who wants to be a comedian. Here's an idea, leave the jokes to comedians ... or racist radio personalities. More after the jump.

According to this story in the Georgetown Times, McCain was asked by a member of the crowd of over 500 people when America is going to “send an air mail message to Tehran,” in reference to the talk of war with Iran. Of course, the proper answer to that question is something like "We're watching the Iran situation closely, blah blah blah." But, McCain, with the comic timing he has gained from years in Congress began his answer with, "That old Beach Boys song, 'Bomb Iran,' Bomb bomb bomb,” sung to the Beach Boys tune “Barbara Ann." Here's the clip.

I'm just waiting for the next comic tour to come to my town. I can see it now, McCain and his song parodies, John Kerry doing his "get stuck in Iraq" routine, Rudy Giuliani bringing back his Italian-American "youze guys" impressions and Joe Biden with his Indians at the 7-11 sketch.

Plus they can use McCain’s tour bus, the “Straight Talk Express” … Comedy genius!

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Monday, April 16, 2007

One last time ... with feeling


Here is the definitive piece on the Don Imus situation. Ok, I'm probably a little biased. Oh, and ignore the picture that goes with the story ... yowza, that's almost as bad as the one that goes with this post. Can you say a face for radio?

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And you thought laptops catching fire was bad?


Toto Ltd., which claims to be "the industry leader of plumbing-related products in Japan" (hey, everyone's got to be #1 at something), has offered free repairs to 180,000 Z Series toilet bidets which they say may catch fire because of wiring problems. Gives new meaning to "hot seat." HA! Get it? Hot Seat ... cause where you sit would be ... oh forget it. More after the jump.

So it seems Japan has some sort of obsession with toilet related technology including toilets with heated seats, water jets, blow dryers, remote control flushing (why?) and music to drown out any unpleasant noises. Here just watch this, it'll give you the idea.
But perhaps all of this technology has come up to bite them in the (ahem) ... as electronic devices in the toilets began to smoke in 26 incidents and actually caught fire in three others. Emi Tanaka, spokesperson for Toto Ltd., said, "Fortunately, nobody was using the toilets when the fire broke out and there were no injuries. The fire would have been just under your buttocks."

But this just brings up a larger issue of the ever growing world of toilets and toilet accessories. These Z Series toilet bidets cost upwards of $2,600. For that kind of scratch you expect a warm seat, but not that warm.

Maybe more shocking - in November, the who's who of the bathroom world will gather in New Delhi, India for the 2007 World Toilet Summit. No, seriously, there's a website and everything. Anyway, this year's theme (yes, this is a yearly event) is "Toilets for Health, Hygiene, Comfort and Dignity."

Yup. Nothing says dignity like third degree ass burns.

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Sunday, April 15, 2007

The Philadelphia Philles - losers since 1947


Considering the history the Philadelphia Phillies have had regarding Jackie Robinson and African-American ballplayers in general, I guess it's fitting that today's game, which was to honor the 60th anniversary of Robinson's breaking the color barrier, was rained out. More after the jump.

Today's Philles game against the Houston Astros, like all games across the country, was to commemorate Jackie Robinson of the Brooklyn Dodgers becoming the first African American to play in a Major League Baseball game on April 15, 1947. In addition to some pregame fesitivites, all players from both teams were to wear #42 as a tribute to Robinson. But as with games in Pittsburgh, Boston, Baltimore and New York, rain cancelled the game. After reading about the treatment the Phillies gave Robinson in 1947, maybe they should have just had a game-long apology session.

Yesterday I read a New York Times column by Stuart Miller, author of The 100 Greatest Days in New York Sports. In it he documented the truth vs. the myth of Robinson's first year in the major leagues, and mentioned the especially harsh treatment Robinson received in Philadelphia.

"The Dodgers played three games against the Philadelphia Phillies, who spewed so much racist vitriol - including aiming bats machine-gun-style at Robinson - that it drove him to the brink of abandoning the "noble experiment" in pacifism for a full-out attack."

Apparently Phillies manager Ben Chapman was the ringleader in this act, which reportedly got him suspended and fined. When the Dodgers came to Philadelphia later in the season, Chapman posed with Robinson for the above picture. But it doesn't sound like he was very contrite.

Well, ok you say, but that's just one incident. Well, guess which team was the last in the National League to integrate. That's right, it was the Phillies. But, hey, it only took them 10 years.

When asked why they never claimed another NL pennant after the 1950 Wiz Kids team, Phillies Center Fielder Richie Ashburn reportedly said, "We were all white." Guess that's why they called him Whitey.

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Thursday, April 12, 2007

He's just unstuck in time


My favorite author (not that I read much), Kurt Vonnegut died yesterday at age 84. Well, they say he died, he's actually probably somewhere in a zoo on Tralfamadore with a porn star. More after the jump.

I was first introduced to Kurt Vonnegut in high school in my freshman honors English class (someone obviously mixed up my transcript with some other kid). I had one of those "cool" teachers. You know, he wore sportscoats with no tie, had crazy hair, and let us call him Chuck. One of our first readings was Slaughterhouse-Five, a scary title for a 13-year-old, and pretty shocking for an all-boys Catholic high school (that probably explains a lot about me). But after being introduced to Billy Pilgrim and his travels through time and space I was hooked.

I'm not a big fan of science-fiction, I still haven't seen Star Wars for god's sake, but I just couldn't get enough of Vonnegut's writing. It's probably a little blasphemous to even talk about Vonnegut and Sci-Fi in the same sentence, but what else to you call novels about time travel, space ships and ice that melts at 114.4 degreed Fahrenheit?

I have to say Vonnegut and his novels helped shaped me and my opinions. Some would say I shouldn't have read them. I would say I always read them.

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Rap Skills 101


Obviously Penn State University is known as a pretty good school academically. And although things have been a little iffy lately, athletics are usually top notch ... ok, maybe not the men's basketball team ... oh yea, and there's that whole women's basketball thing ... and yeah, now a football scandal too. But who knew attending Penn State could actually help your burgeoning rap career. More after the jump.

Next Friday and Saturday (April 20 & 21) marks Blue & White Weekend here at Penn State, which will culminate in the Blue & White game on Saturday afternoon. Thousands of PSU football fans will descend upon the area and plenty of alumni will use this as an excuse to re-live their college glory years (look who's talking, that's essentially my life these days). To help celebrate, The Daily Collegian and Penn State Football are sponsoring The (blue-white) Rapper Show, which will give some student the opportunity to perform their rap "skills" at the first home football game on September 1, next season. I am already embarrassed for them.


Although i'm impressed with their audio/video skills, there's a reason not everyone has a record deal.

The horrific videos can be seen here, and people can vote for their favorites here. The top eight vote-getters will be performing at the HUB next week, and the top four from that group will perform outside Beaver Stadium next Friday after the Blue & White game.

Let the boos and sarcastic cheers begin.

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Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Well, I mean what does "livable" mean anyway ...?




It's always fun to look at those lists that magazines put out: Top 100 albums, The best companies to work for, Top 50 Gays. But it's especially fun to see where your city ends up on lists like the recent World's Most Livable Cities. So, where's your city end up? Here's a hint, if you're in the United States and you're reading this ... go past the top 20 ... actually go past the top 25.

Mercer Human Resource Consulting, which on their website claims to be "the global leader for trusted HR and related financial advice, products, and services" put together this list of the World's Most Livable Cities for executives and their families. And the top American city on the list is Vancouver at #3, that's North America (goddamn Canadians beating us at our own game). If you're looking for a U.S. city, you have to go all the way down to # 27 to find Honolulu, Hawaii.

Of course, Philadelphia is nowhere to be found on the list. Hmmm, I wonder why that is. Could it be this, or this, or this, or this, or this? Yea, it's probably just the Phillies ruining it for everyone again.

By the way, the top city on the list is Zurich, Switzerland. And bringing up the rear on the list as the worst places are Brazzaville, capitol of The Republic of the Congo (#214) and, shockingly, Baghdad (#215).

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Did Imus Eat His Hat?



So, after Don Imus called the Rutgers women's basketball team ... well, see here for yourself ... plenty of people and organizations have jumped on the case and are attempting to get him fired. They're right, he should be fired ... but not because of those comments. More after the jump.

For years, Imus has insisted on wearing a cowboy hat to work every day. Some people have even wondered if it was sewn to his head. It seemed that nothing could get that ridiculous hat off of his head ... well except maybe making some racially insensitive comments about female basketball players. Here's a picture from yesterday's "apology" filled broadcast.

So proof that Imus does in fact have a full head of hair.

But now that Imus has been suspended for his comments, the question is should he be fired. I say go for it, but not necessarily for these comments, or even any previous ones.

No I say fire him because he's unfunny, and a fake cowboy.

While some people have used this to embrace their "nappy heads," I think we should use this to get Imus off of MSNBC and get some actual news coverage on there in the morning. I'm a big fan of MSNBC - I try to make a point to watch Keith Olbermann every night and I have to give "props" to Philly native Chris Matthews, even if I just think of Darrell Hammond's impression on SNL every time I see him. But I have never been able to sit through more than five minutes of Imus and his "comedy" show.

So, as an eternal optimist that I am, let's look at the positives that have come from this horrible situation. Imus has lost his hat. Some actual news on MSNBC in the morning, and maybe the most amazing thing, Fred "Eric" Norris actually still can speak.

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Monday, April 09, 2007

I'm raising the white flag


YOU WIN!

I really can't take it anymore. I've tried and tried, year after year to be a fan of teams that let me down year after year. I think today's Phillies disaster was the last straw. The team to beat indeed.

24 years and no titles. 96 seasons between the Phillies, Flyers, Sixers and Eagles with only heartbreak to show for it. At some point (very early at this rate) the Phillies will lose their 10,000th game. And yet season after season I, like many fans, have gone back only to be kicked in the head again.
A few weeks ago I was excited for the upcoming Phillies season. We had a nice young nucleus, the reining MVP, and although the division looked pretty tough, I was looking forward to being in the post season when October rolled around. I even liked the swagger coming from Jimmy Rollins and some of the other players on the team. Yea, maybe the Philles were the team to beat. Then the started playing.

Right off the bat things didn't look good. They lost the first game of the season when the Braves' Edgar Renteria homered to tie the game in the 8th and then again in the 10th to win it. Two games later the Phillies had been swept by Atlanta, but with two extra-inning losses you thought they could just as easily be 2-1 instead of 0-3. But then the hapless Florida Marlins took two of three and all of a sudden the Phillies that I had so much hope for were 1-5.

When I got home today I flipped on Comcast Sportsnet with the Phils holding a 5-3 lead over the Mets. It looked like Cole Hamels had pitched a great game, Ryan Howard was getting his swing back and maybe this was the turning point for the season I had hoped for. But I was obviously kidding myself because in true Phillies phashion they gave up seven runs in the 8th inning to lose the game 11-5. Once again grasping defeat from the jaws of victory.

So, I'm done. I'm not a fan anymore. Phillies, count me out. I've finally had enough. The relationship is over. Don't even make me get a restraining order. We are through, finished, finito ... unless you start winning. Guess I'd have to erase this entry. Hope no one grabs this screen.

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Saturday, April 07, 2007

I don't wanna cause no fuss ... But can I buy your Tumblebus?

The other day I'm driving along, when a bright yellow thing catches my attention. I look to my left and see a bright yellow school bus in the lane next to me. But, this was no ordinary school bus my friends. No, this was the Tumblebus ... the gym on wheels. More ridiculousness after the jump.

Apparently this is an old school bus that has been retro-fitted to now be used as a gym ... on wheels. As their annoyingly cheery website says, "the TUMBLEBUS provides a unique and fun way for children to receive the physical fitness that is so important to their development," ... on wheels.

So I take it the idea is for parents to rent the bus for parties, or have the bus go to schools and daycares. It reminds me of the time I went to Chris Jensen's birthday party, when I was like 10, at the gymnastics school. Difference here is, this one's ... on wheels.

They also brag that 241 of these buses are driving around the United States, so keep an eye out folks.

I'm not a parent, so who am I to talk, but does this really sound like a good idea to anyone? First of all, lets assume they don't drive the bus as the kids are rolling around in the back, like this. But still, something's just off about this whole thing, am I right? I'm sure the people that run the whole program are great, but my kid ain't getting in no Tumblebus.

If you're interested in purchasing a Tumblebus and have an extra $45,000 lying around I say go for it. Hopefully they're performing background checks.

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Thursday, April 05, 2007

Foosball: For the person who has everything


Do you have one of those people in your life that is really difficult to buy for? As the saying goes, usually its the person who has everything. Well, lucky for you there's a company called 20ltd, I will guaruntee ther person in your life doesn't own any of this stuff. Disagree? How about a Good vs. Evil Foosball table complete with Hitler playing midfield, and Santa Claus in goal. Yea, I didn't think so.

So, 20ltd is what is being called a "luxury e-store." They sell extremely limited edition items, usually only about 20 (hense their name). As you can imagine, if things are this limited, the price is going to skyrocket. Example, how about a Copenhagen bicycle with cowhide seat by Biomega, one of only 10 made (it's #3 on the list). How much would you pay? If you said $1,970.83, good for you. I wonder if that includes shipping and handling. All prices are in British pounds, so here's a handy converter.

But without question, the best item on there is the good vs evil foosball table made by The Eleven Forty Company (#20 on the list). Granted, it's going to set you back almost $29,000, but where are you going to get mini figures of Hitler, Lucifer and Idi Amin battling it out with Mother Teresa, Gandhi and God?

You know George W. is getting this one for Easter.

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Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Ritual De Lo Habitual (thats the best Spanish I can do for now)


We've all heard of "Jumping the Shark." It's that moment when something begins to go downhill, and usually really fast. Now, I'm not really ready to say YouTube has donned a leather coat with water skis just yet, but when Newt Gingrich posts an "apology" in English AND Spanish, I think the luster is gone. OMG! Or as Newt (why would you use that name at age 63?) would say, Dios Mio!

First of all, I'm sick of people calling something like this an apology. Whether Newt (what a name) needed to apologize in the first place isn't the point. Here's what he said, you decide.

But I always thought that you had to actually say "I'm sorry" for something to be considered and apology. Although Newt (really how do you get elected to anything using that name) does say that he realizes his comments "caused a bad feeling in the Latino community" he doesn't say I'm sorry. In fact, no where does he even say apology, instead he says he hopes people "accept this message in the manner it's conveyed." Message. Not apology. Message.

But take a look at both videos, here and here. Newt (it's short for Newton btw) must really have a hard time with the Espanol. It looks like they had to stop and restart taping at least three times. So either Newt (but I mean go with Newton then) had a tough time with the cue cards, or he kept laughing after saying he had a "sincere heart."

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Comcast Sportsnet ... why have you forsaken me?


Being a Philadelphia sports fan here in Central Pennsylvania is tough. Although State College is essentially in the middle of the state, most people here associate themselves with Pittsburgh and their teams. By the way, I happen to agree with Sienna Miller on that city. In fact, the Pirates Single A Baseball team, the Spikes, play right on Penn State's campus. And their AA team, the Altoona Curve, is only about 30 minutes away. So when Comcast took over as the cable provider earlier this year, I was thrilled when the rumors of getting Comcast Sportsnet on my cable system. But I turned it on last night to watch the Flyers/Mapleleafs match, and all I saw was a blank screen. Now I'm just confused.

It started out by getting CN8, which is an odd channel in itself. Have you ever looked at the scroll on the bottom of their screen, it gives you the worst information, but I digress. It was nice to see some old favorites, Arthur Fennel and some of the guys from WIP, but what happened to Lou Tilley?
Anyway, a couple of months ago, I turned on what used to be the TV Guide Channel and there, in all it's glory was Comcast SportsNet. I was thrilled to see Michael Barkann and Daily News Live, Leslie Gudel and SportsNite. It was even good to see Dei Lynam and her monotone voice.

But now, with the Philles season here, I'm worried that I'm going to miss almost all of their games. I'm already definitely going to miss the few games that are on Philly 57, but now do I have to worry about the ones on CN8 and SportsNet too?

Hey Barkann! You're on that network like 24 hours a day, do something about this!

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Tuesday, April 03, 2007

I want my...I want my...I want my American Gladiators


Its funny when you're growing up and you hear your parents make some reference to something from their childhood coming back into style. "Oh, we used to wear jeans like that when I was your age, they're nothing new." I always took it as a bad thing, like a sign of getting older. But with old childhood favorites like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles claiming the top spot at the box office a couple of weeks ago, and more importantly, the new Transformers movie coming out this summer, its apparent, everything from my childhood is popular again. So, where's American Gladiators?

If you're not familiar with it, American Gladiators was perhaps the best show in the history of television. I'm not exaggerating. It was a game show where two men and two women competed against each other and more importantly against the American Gladiators, who had such names as Nitro, Gemini, Lace (my favorite at 11 years old) and Ice.

They would compete in events like Joust, where they would knock each other off tall platforms, and Powerball where they would have to go against three Gladiators and slam colored balls into corresponding bins, without getting their heads taken off by a Gladiator. Think of it as the Real World/Road Rules Challenge without all the annoying people.

One of the amazing things is Ex-NFL players Larry Csonka, Joe Theismann and Todd Christensen were hosts on the show. Thank God various incarnations of ESPN have saved former NFLers from that fate these days.

Well, it's back. Ok, no new episodes, but the reruns are now being shown on ESPN Classic. Not that I get that channel, so it does me no good. Even if you were never a fan of the gladiators, it's got to be better than the Classic Car Auction.

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Electric Six...it beats a hat trick


In honor of some other people's random music video posting, here's mine for the day. Not only is this a great song, but it has a great message to kids ... danger danger, high voltage. It's no stop drop and roll, but hey, what is really.

The band is Electric Six, which is a great band out of Detroit. And by great I mean they have glowing bras and glowing codpieces in their video. As a little bit of trivia, the backgroud singer (the woman in the video) in "Danger! High Voltage" is actually Jack White of The White Stripes and The Raconteurs.

If you're an elite like Marty and myself, you have no doubt heard their other classic, "Gay Bar." What's better than Abraham Lincoln in a bathtub proclaiming his urge to take you to a gay bar? Well, how about six Abraham Lincolns pole dancing?




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Monday, April 02, 2007

Tonight, we workout in Hell.


With summer right around the corner, it's time to start worrying how you're going to look at the beach without the help of layers of clothing to cover that fat. So, while some people choose to stay in shape with the help of the Nintendo Wii, I'm going to take a better approach I think - the 300 Workout.

A couple of weeks ago I went to see 300, which by the way is perhaps the greatest movie of all time. Casablanca? Garbage compared to 300. Citizen Kane? I don't remember Orson Wells killing tens of thousands of people in that movie.

Anyway, one of the startling things about the movie is how ripped the Spartans are. And it's good to see that there's finally a workout that can help me get the rippling abs and and biceps of King Leonidas. The 300 Workout.

Gerard Butler apparently trained for 12 weeks to get into that shape...so with the shape I'm already in, it should only take about 5 years.


In reality, Butler and some other people in the film worked out for 90 minutes to 2 hours a day, for 5 days a week. Who has that kind of time? Plus, WebMD is saying it's might be a little dangerous. Here's what William J. Kraemer, PhD says: "The out-of-shape person who starts [the 300 graduation test] is going to be dead the first day. No one could do this without prior training. You have to progress."


Guess I will have to buy a Wii I guess.

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