A "Dear Al" letter

Dear Al,

It’s been a crazy seven years, huh? Can you really believe it’s been that long? Well, we’ve been keeping busy. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but things with George haven’t gone that well.

We actually haven’t been doing too great since last time we saw each other back in 2000. For one thing, we got into some fights with these guys over in the middle-east – it’s kind of a long story.

So how have you been? We heard you’ve been keeping busy teaching and with that movie and everything – that’s great. And winning an Academy Award, we’re so impressed, Mr. Hollywood.
We saw you on TV at the Oscar’s and you look like you put on a little weight – it looks good on you. Well, maybe you should lose a few pounds, but we’re not judging. We always thought you looked good, especially compared to Bill (plus we are the fattest country on Earth, so I guess it’s expected).

Anyway, we just wanted to write and see if there was any way we could convince you to come back to us and run for president in 2008. We know it hurt in 2000 when you lost to George and we’re really sorry. But please, give us another chance. That whole thing was a fiasco and it really turned out wrong for both of us.

You know you’re the one we always wanted to be our president, Al. Sure, George was the guy we wanted to go have a beer with, but honestly he means nothing to us. You have to believe that now (his approval rating is around 30 percent after all).

Besides, that whole thing is really the Supreme Court’s fault, we really did pick you. If it wasn’t for that damn Electoral College we would have been together. After all, you did get about a half-million more votes than George in 2000. But if you just give us another chance we can prove that we really do belong together.

I know it looks like we’ve been flirting with Hillary and Newt and Barack and Rudy and the Johns and Mitt and … well, you get the point. But honestly Al we don’t really even like them that much, but they keep coming around. I mean what are we supposed to do, be rude and tell them to get lost? But, if you just tell us you’re running, we’ll forget about everyone else, we swear.

Remember when you would tell us about your plans to save social security with a lock box? Those were good times. George tried something like that but it didn’t work very well.

You’ve always been ahead of the curve Al. Even before you got all popular with your movie, you were trying to tell us all about global warming and how we could prevent it. OK, so maybe we took that whole “I invented the internet” quote out of context, but looking back on everything now, it looks like you’ve been a pioneer on a lot of issues.

You were even right about the Iraq war, all the way back in 2002. You were one of the few people to come out against it right away. After going through Kosovo and Bosnia with Bill, I’m sure you wouldn’t have wanted to put our troops in harms way at the drop of a hat. It took courage to speak out against the war when George and Dick had pretty much sold everyone on it. We could really use someone like that now.

Plus you’re one of the most qualified people for the job. George went around the world and tried to make friends with all our neighbors, but they really never liked him. They act all nice to his face, but you can just tell, behind his back they’re saying, “What an idiot!”

But you already have some great relationship[s with these people. It seemed like the whole world loved you and Bill (well, besides Newt Gingrich and his buddies). We really need someone who can mend the broken fences and let the neighborhood know that we’re really not that bad.

George once told us, “Fool me once, shame on, shame on you, fool me, can’t get fooled again.”

Well a lot of us did get fooled and we picked George again in 2004. But really, John never captured our heart that year. We really just couldn’t get behind him. I mean people called you stiff? Have they met John Kerry?

Some people have said that you’re doing more good for the country and the world by being in the private sector and doing things like the global warming movie. But come on, you know the real power to change things is when your sitting in the White House. And you have to admit, that presidential seal would look good on you.

So please Al, just give us another chance. We really need you now, and we promise, this time things will be different than 2000.

Love,
America

P.S.

This time, can you just stay away from that Lieberman guy, he kind of creeps us out.